I started listening to this book this week as a way to boost myself, inspire myself to be brave. Because gosh, I don’t even know. I feel like I have lived so much of my life fearing failure that I don’t know what it feels like to let go and really go for something. I constantly hedge. I try to protect. Be two steps ahead. That way nothing can catch me off guard and leave me surprised…proving that I am not enough.
Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. When I fell in love with Joseph I couldn’t help but let go. The way he went he was so certain of the way he felt for me, the way he seemed so confident even when he told me he loved me and I said, “I’m not sure yet, I’m going to to need to think about it first.” Can you believe I said that? But I was scared to death. I knew that I felt strongly for him but I needed to know that it was something more than a silly feeling. And I remember choosing to let go, choosing to be vulnerable, choosing to give him my heart. No, it wasn’t a one time choice. Fear came knocking then too, as it always does. But his love and my faith (more on that later) allowed me to choose vulnerability over being afraid.
But today, I feel like I am knee deep in a similar choice. How to live a life with courage, true courage. How to live a life that isn’t plagued with fear of not being enough, fear of failing, fear of upsetting someone, fear of someone not liking me.
We are in some amazingly beautiful places, breath taking, bucket list kind of places, but this week these questions are still screaming at me. I always hate the reality of this, that the truth of what’s in our hearts will ring true no matter where we are. We all love to think that if we could just leave and go somewhere amazing or do something amazing, or eat something amazing, it would all go away. But it doesn’t, does it? That’s why we are always so surprised when rich and famous people commit suicide… “but they had it all” we say, shocked. But it’s never about that, is it? It’s about coming face to face with our demons and what we do with them when they rear their ugly heads. We all have them, whether we know it or not.
So this week I am staring down my “demons”. At first they knocked me down. They caught me off guard and I felt pretty beat up. I gave into the them and let them win. But I got back up and started fighting. I found my courage.
It’s funny, when I am living life through the frail and afraid version of myself, my world gets really small. And let me tell you when you are living in a 200 square foot trailer, with your neighbor 5 steps away, your world gets really, really small really fast. But I realized what was happening and I started making some changes.
That’s where the book “What Would You Do If You Could Not Fail?” came in. I know that for me I need inspiration to be brave. Reminders of those that have gone before me, people that have faced hard times and diversity and chose to fight back and be brave. Truthfully, I am not that far into the book and it’s already helping me to make some changes to how I am going about life. Not big changes, little ones. Like for me, it is making phone calls (yes, seriously, I HATE to make phone calls and usually put them off and have Joseph make them for me.) But just taking this tiny little step helps me feel empowered to take other steps toward being unafraid.
I don’t think that we realize how much our state of mind effects our choices. Joseph and I have decided that we want to live our life on purpose and that means making choices today that get us to where we want to be tomorrow. For me it means not being afraid of the unknown of a telephone conversation and just doing it, or walking with my kids around a new campground, or venturing out into the new town we are in on my own. These are small things to most people, but to me they are big life altering kind of changes.
So today I am choosing to make small steps toward the person that I want to be. I am choosing to not live small and let fear fence me in. I'm choosing to live my life on purpose.
So what about you? Is there some “demon” that you need to face? Some area of your life that you could change if only you were brave enough to take a step and fight back? Find a way to inspire yourself to be courageous. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to face it head long and move forward anyway.
So start living your life on purpose today. Make a one small choice that gets your where you want to be tomorrow!
